Please, Mister, Please Leave My Front Porch

By Michelle Lirazan

It was a sunny and breezy Thursday morning in July. I was ready to go to my friend's house and spend the day there. But as I opened the front door, I saw a man on the front porch sitting quietly. I asked him to leave but he didn't. He was dressed in old clothes that looked unwashed. He was also wearing a weird blue hat on his head. I asked him why he was there, but he didn't answer. I thought he just needed food, and that was all it would take to get him to leave. I rushed into the house and into the kitchen, and grabbed a P.B. and J. sandwich lying on the dining room table, and a Capri Sun from the refrigerator. Then I rushed back out and handed it to the man. He ate the sandwich and drank the juice but didn't leave. Maybe money would get him to leave, I thought to myself. I reached into my wallet and took out $50. He accepted it but wouldn't leave. "Hey, I want that back," I said. Maybe the police could get him to leave, I thought. "Um, sir, Dude, whoever you are," I began. "You need to leave my porch before I call the police." "Go ahead," he replied. "I don't care." Wow, I thought, this guy's crazy. Normally, a person would have left if you threatened to call the cops. But that threat didn't scare this dude. "Hey, why don't you go over to the neighbor's house?" I said. "It's bigger and comfier." "I like this one better," he said. "Why?" "This is the only place were I haven't gotten yelled at, and this is where I got served food. I think I'm gonna stay here for a while." I was about to curse the dude. But then I decided to leave for my friend's house. When I got home at 10 p.m., he was still there. "Man, you need to leave or else," I yelled. "Or else what?" "Or else I'll throw my furniture at you!" I said. "When you do that," he replied, "could you throw the TV at me first? I wanna watch wrestling!" "Unbelievable," I said. "Could you throw the microwave at me, and popcorn too?" I couldn't believe this guy. But I had a plan. I sneaked into my older brother's room, and grabbed some clothes from his closet. The next day, I gave it to the man, and told him to clean up and get dressed quickly. I showed him to the bathroom and he showered and changed. "Thanks for the clothes," he said. "No problem. Come on. I want to take you somewhere." We got into my silver Mercedes convertible and I headed to the mall. I showed him to a store for men. I told him to look for clothes he wanted. I told him I'd be back for him in half an hour. I lied. I headed out of the mall and went to the movie with my friends. At 9 p.m., I arrived home. I had had a long day, and it was enjoyable. I was so happy thinking I'd gotten rid of the man on my porch. But as I got out of my car, I saw him. The man was STILL on my porch! How had he known the way back to my house? "Hey," he said, "thanks for taking me to the mall. I had a good day." I didn't say anything. I went inside the house. The next day I ordered my Golden Retriever to chase the man off my porch. At first Ii heard her barking, but then everything was quiet. I went out to the porch. My dog was sitting with the man. He was petting the dog. I give up!